Do you put your confidence in the bin?

Let me start with two questions.

Why did I photograph this rubbish bin?
and
What does it have to do with your communication confidence?

I don’t usually photograph bins.
But this one caught my eye.

The colours.
Pistachio green, bright blue, rich burgundy, whites and soft pink.

A pile of rubbish, yes.
But look with a different perspective and you see something else.
Colours, textures and shapes, an artistic composition.

I also see the bin as a metaphor.
The bin is where you could discard your professional courage.

Let me share what I mean.

You have moments at work when you have to speak, but feel doubtful, nervous, or maybe  scared.
You’re forced out of your comfort zone.

Perhaps an important meeting, a presentation to your team, a conversation with your seniors or an event where you connect with clients.

Any situation when you have to speak and feel under pressure.
(you know what I’m talking about)

Let’s say it’s a client meeting.

You prepare, do your best and finish the task.
Once it’s over, you breathe a deep sigh of relief.

Phew!
Uncomfortable mission complete (‘til the next time).

If this sounds like you, you’re not alone.

But this moment of relief is often short lived.

What follows in the next few minutes, hours or days is Critical Analysis.

Here’s Loïc's story that describes it.

Loïc experiences a ‘Phew’ moment after every client meeting.
But his relief quickly turns to analysis.

Critical analysis typically describes reflective learning that leads to growth.
You highlight improvement areas, and build on what’s accomplished.
To make it easier and empowering for next time.

But Loïc's mind enters a different analysis.
Self-critical Analysis.

This is a very different thing.

Loïc thinks back to his client meeting.
The stress and worry he felt.

In self-critical mode, he identifies every little thing he did wrong, or failed to do.
With hypercritical thinking he confronts himself like an angry tiger.

The client will think...
I should have...
I’m no good at...
Why didn’t I...
I should know how to...
I’ll never get good at this...

So why does this self-critical thinking happen?

Loïc steps out of his comfort zone with the meeting, but sadly devalues this.
He discounts his courage of speaking under pressure.

His mind searches to prove he failed in so many ways.

As a metaphor, Loïc puts himself in the bin.
Resulting in a sense of failure, shame, and damaged confidence.

It can feel justified. You search for evidence of why you struggled.
But this doesn’t support you.

It’s your mind saying
‘Yes I stepped up in some areas and had courage,
BUT I’m going to put them all in the rubbish bin cos I failed to do XYZ’.

Just like the photo, when you look closely, you see all the things you disregard.
The colours in the bin represent, your skills, bravery, intelligence, empathy...
You throw them all away.

It’s Loïc’s automatic response to a stressful event.
An unconscious habit.

The positive from the client meeting is lost.‍

If this sounds familiar, what’s the alternative?

After those moments at work when you step up and speak under pressure,
use Self-Compassion Analysis.

Ask yourself

What went well?
What were you proud of?
What communication skill did you surprise yourself with?
Which of your strengths did you use?
How did these support you?
What would you do differently next time?
What skill could you learn to support you for the results you want?
Ask those you trust to share feedback with you.

Use these questions to grow your courage and build on your achievements.
Not put your confidence in the bin!