Clean Earholes

When Questions in Meetings Feel Like Personal Attacks

‍

(note: this conversation is fictional)

‍

KAI
"I’m on edge in meetings, waiting for the accusations to hit me."

‍

MATT
"Ok. But what are you being accused of?"

‍

KAI
"Things I should have done. Mistakes I’ve made. Things I’ve missed . . . that kind of stuff."

‍

MATT
‍"And this is every meeting?"

‍

KAI
"Yeah. Almost every time I present or share something, I wait for the accusations to start."

‍

MATT
‍"What exactly do they say?"

‍

KAI
"Why did I do this? Why did I do that? Why did I not do x, y or z? Why, why, why."

‍

MATT
‍"So a lot of ‘whys’. Which mean?"

‍

KAI
"I’ve messed up."

‍

MATT
‍"So you’re accused of messing up?"

‍

KAI
"Yeah."

‍

MATT
‍"But you said the meetings end well. No one’s frustrated or following up as if you’re not doing your job properly."

‍

KAI
"Yeah, all ends well."

‍

MATT
‍"So what are you being accused of that you need to defend yourself about?"

‍

KAI
"Well . . . it’s more that I need to give more information. Or explain something with more detail."

‍

MATT
‍"Can you give examples?"

‍

KAI
"Yeah. So some accusations I got in this morning’s meeting were - ‘How did the client respond? What’s the current timeline? When’s the deadline? Who’s still to be briefed?’"

‍

MATT
‍"So after you’ve finished speaking or presenting, people ask follow up questions."

‍

KAI
"Yeah. When you put it like that."

‍

MATT
‍"But you hear them as ‘why’ questions."

‍

KAI
"Yes. It feels like I’ve done something wrong. But I haven’t.
I’d never thought of it like this."

‍

MATT
‍"Like what?"

‍

KAI
"That they’re just regular questions being asked, but I hear them as why why why.
Somewhere my mind hears a question as an accusation. But they’re not necessarily.
At least not in this morning’s meeting.
A bit of a lightbulb realisation."

‍

MATT
‍"So for future meetings, what now?"

‍

KAI
"I need to give my ears a good clean out.
Stop mishearing regular questions as attacks on me."