The fear of disagreeing,
and how it could be perceived.

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(Reflections of a Thoughtful Professional . . . No2)

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The discovery that I’m a Thoughtful Professional has felt so freeing.
With my communication it’s helped a lot.

I’ve been coasting along with pride now I have a name to my professional persona.
Like I’ve put on a pair of goggles that help me see things differently.
The things I say, the way I behave make sense.
It’s been empowering.

But this week I noticed a conflict.
And I’m trying to figure it out.

As a Thoughtful Professional, it’s always important how I come across in front of others.
That I’m perceived as caring, kind, sincere . . .
So whenever I open my mouth, what I say is considerate.

The challenge comes when I feel I need to disagree with something.

This morning, the casual team catch up was rolling along fine.
I was all relaxed, then Mika pipes up and I got tense.
It’s a bit of a free for all, with everyone openly speaking their mind.
Except me.

This is what I realised.

When all is swimming along smoothly in calm waters, then I’m fine.
As soon as there are any waves, a moment of disagreement, then I retreat.

My instinct to be considerate, suddenly turns into an impulse to keep the peace at all costs.
I tell myself I’m being thoughtful by holding back.
But really, there’s a fear of navigating waves made by what others say, and the last thing I want is to be seen as a ‘wave maker’ myself.
To be perceived as a ‘boat rocker’, opinionated, arrogant, boasty, alpha type . . .

But when I picture myself in front of others, I’m probably seen as an ‘avoider’.
Small and quiet, or worse, as someone keeping their cards close and secretive.

The words I just wrote make me cringe.

And definitely not how I describe who I am.
Or how I want to be perceived.